*i heart faces challenge* Dramatic Black and White

So...For the past couple of weeks I have been following a blog/forum called I heart faces.(As if I needed one more forum/blog to follow!!) It is a great place for tutorials/resources etc for photographers and every week they offer a different photo challenge. Great way to learn and also a great way to showcase just a teeny bit of my work on the blog!
This weeks challenge is 'Dramatic Black and White.' It only took me like 3 hours to pick one for this challenge!!!! I have so many black and white conversions that I love but ultimately I chose this one.

SHe just screams drama doesn't she???
For more awesome dramatic black and white pics and tons of other fun photgraphy stuff...head on over to http://Iheartfaces.blogspot.com :)

Yes..It IS about time!

Procrastinator, slacker, dilly-dallyer, dawdler, idler,(is that a word?)loafer.....Not words I would normally use to describe myself but in relation to this blog...Yes, all of the above. I suck. BUT, I will get better. I think..maybe.. So my excuse is that life right now is insanely busy. As always. There is not one single day in my calendar for the month of March that does not have something scheduled. CRAZY, I know! But GOOD crazy! For starters, the weather is warming up here in Southeast Indiana!! Yippee! This means, sports for the kids, days at the park, playdates, picnics, Spring cleaning, oh... and most importantly photo shoots!!!! So not officially in business YET..but since the weather has started to get warm...I have had quite a few people call me or email me for pics already!:) So excited about this! I even was asked to do a wedding in November!!! I still don't have everything squared away yet with pricing, packages, portfolio building, website etc....but soon enough. Takes money to make money unfortunately and it is going to be a slow process. Somewhat frustrating but at the same time...I don't want to rush it. I want to take my time with all of this and educate myself and do this right the first time around. I want it to be something I'm proud of. I heard a great quote today and it stuck with me...."The only way to do great work is to love what you do." Whoa. No wonder I suck as a nurse!! Ha! Who knew? Okay...short post...But I have mommy duties to tend too! No rest for the weary...

Another day, another blog entry....

So another day....another long, feeling sorry for myself day. I was really excited about this blog when I first started it....Is it bad that now it almost feels like an obligation? To whom, I'm not sure. Myself? Probably. I hate not following through on a commitment. Even if it is just one that I've made to myself..When I first started this blog last month, I wrestled with whether or not I would even tell anyone about it. I was perfectly content with just typing out my feelings and breathing a huge sigh of relief when it was all out of me......In black and white. I could literally take a huge breath after writing and feel.....Cleansed? Relieved? Un-burdened? Self-indulgent? Whatever. I felt. And thats all the mattered. And then it took a few weeks of me typing these huge posts and then deleting them..to realize that was SUCH a time waster. Why not put it all out there? Why not say, "Hey, heres what the heck I am dealing with and going through...HELP! or feel sorry for me, or hurt with me, or laugh with me, or encourage me or tell me to shut the heck up, I dont care!" Just listen. So that I dont feel like I am standing in the middle of the room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even notices. Self indulgent? Yep. My blog? Yep. So, therefore entitled to self indulgence.
So I know I bragged about the new camera last week and I WILL post pics soon!!!!! For some reason the past week has been unbelievably busy and although I have had time to take tons of pics(thanks to the yummy Springtime weather), I have yet to find time to edit any of them. That is definitely on my to-do list for the week. We moved the computer up to the bedroom this weekend so that I would be able to edit more at night once the kiddos are in bed. Hopefully I will get more done this way:) I am beyond excited with the new camera and I am learning soooooooo much every day. Who knew that a simple hobby could make one feel so unbelievably hopeful and alive. Seriously. I know that sounds so cliche and cheesy. But WOW....not sure what state of mind I would be in without my photgraphy. It really does give me hope for the future. I know, Iknow, I should just be thankful to have a job..blah blah blah. And for the most part, I am. But it's no secret that I don't want to be a nurse. Not even a little bit. Wish I could say that I love what I do...Love making a difference...saving lives...etc.etc. Can't say that. Maybe that makes me a bad person? Maybe that just makes me honest. I DO care about the children that I take care of. I DO hurt for them and also for their parents. I truly do...but if you want honesty, I could walk away tomorrow and be okay with it. Horrible, I know. I think I've become somewhat numb in the past few years. Numb to the tragedy, disease, sadness that I see in the hospital. If I allowed myself to hurt for every single family, every single patient, I'm not sure I could get out of bed every morning. I don't think I could function if I dwelled on the situations that I see at work. I do believe that God has a plan for me. I DO hope its not nursing..... I do think that maybe this is just a stop on the journey for me.....EVERY single time I work...I see families dealing with horribly, unfair situations. Maybe thats God's way of saying...'Ya know what, You don't have it so bad.' I saw a family a few weeks ago that I instantly fell in love with. Without giving out too many details of their situation...They moved to Cincy recently to be closer to CCHMC so that they could get more consistent care for their THREE children...All diagnosed with a chronic, genetic disease. All terminal. All under the age of 12. All will die from their disease. Unfathomable. But yet....This family showed unbelievable grace and tremendous faith. Again...Not there yet. Can't wait for the day when I can actually say....I am okay with this. Okay with my life, content with where God has placed me at the moment, unwavering in my faith, strong in the knowledge that all things work together for those that love God. One day. Not there yet...... But one day.

Bloggity blog blah.....

Blah. So either I'm a really boring person with a really boring life...or I have writers block. Most likey, both. Either way I figured I was due for another entry so I'm sitting down to just wing it and recap the week. Blah.
Have to start by saying....I cannot freakin wait for winter to be over...I have dealt with enough snot, poop and puke this winter to last a lifetime. This past week was no exception. You know you are a mom when you would rather catch your child's throw-up in your hand than have to clean it up off the floor or the bed AGAIN for the 900th time. We have resorted to putting trashcans in the beds with the kids because we have changed the sheets and comforters at least 5 times this week. Ummm...Springtime? Where are you? Please come soon before I have a nervous breakdown. Thanks.
On top of the stomach flu this week we also had Joshua's cardiology follow up visit. To be honest...I kind of put the whole VSD thing out of mind for the past few months since he hasn't had any symptoms so this appointment really snuck up on me. Thankfully all is well(for the most part) and he'll continue to be seen by caridiolgy until he is a toddler.
Ahhhhh...But the bright spot of my week???? It came!!!! It FINALLY came!!!!!!!!!!! My amazing, fantastic, wonderful, perfect,dream camera came!! I am in love. I think Chris may be jealous. He says I spend more time with it than I do with him:) I knew it was supposed to be delivered yesterday and I was terrified that I would still be at Joshua's MD appt when they came and unable to sign for it..So I left a note for the UPS man on the door...BEGGING and PLEADING with him to leave it. (Which he did..He is now my new BFF.) You can't even BEGIN to imagine my excitement when I saw the box(or Jacksons disappointment when he realized that it wasn't for him!HHHHAAAAA!) I can't wait for the weather to get warm so I can really start playing with it.(That's what she said.) It is alot of camera but I am having a blast with it. Makes me feel all fancy. You think I inundated you with pictures before...Just you wait.
So thats the week in a nutshell...Vomit, Poo, Snot, MD appts and MY NEW CAMERA. It's all good.

*Warning* I am having a pity party!

Okay this could be become addicting!! I think maybe I like the sound of my own thoughts WAAAY to much! So another uneventful snow-filled day at the Castle house. The kids and I built a fort, played in the snow and had a MAJOR tickle fight which included a busted lip before the fun was all said and done. Good time had by all. It's amazing how LOOOONGGG the days seem when we are all stuck in the house but how QUICKLY the hours fly by once the kids are in bed!! :) Can't believe it is after 10 already....but I will be up until at least midnight enjoying the silence!
Although, the downside to that is when I don't have any distractions..my mind starts to dwell on things...Usually Dave. He is on my mind more and more over the past few weeks. I think mostly because the one year mark is coming up in couple of months. I remember every single detail of that day as if it happened yesterday...and in a few months it will be one year. One year! I still cry at least once a week. I still replay our last phone conversation over in my head. I still look at his facebook page from time to time. I still find it way too hard to go into his room. I still cant talk about him without tearing up. I still ache for my mom and dad. My kids. My sister. Katelyn. We have all lost so much. I always tell myself that I shouldn't question God. That HE knows best. But I'm human. I do question God. God knows that my heart needs answers. Why? Why? Again???? Wasn't Craig enough? Wasn't breast cancer enough? Are we being tested? I hope not..because if so, I am failing miserably. I so desperately want to be strong and full of faith. I am constantly amazed at these people that go through horrible tragedies and lose their entire families..yet come out on the other side with these amazing testimonies of faith and hope. I'm so not there. I know that things could be so much worse...I have 3 beautiful, healthy, amazing babies to be thankful for. I have my best friend and soulmate by my side. I have a sister, brother-in-law and niece that I love more than words. I have parents that would move heaven and earth for me. I have amazing friends, passions, dreams. I am sooo grateful for these blessings. But I still want to know why.
I overheard Jackson and Aubrey playing this morning and it absolutely broke.my.heart. They had all of their stuffed animals and dolls out and they were pretending that the animals were dying and "going up to heaven". An animal/doll would "die" and then they would make it fly through the air until it got to heaven and when it got there...All of the other angel animals would greet the newest arrival and show them around "heaven". (Which was actually the laundry room:) I hate that my 5 year old and 3 year old have to know what death is. I know that sooner or later in life they would have to deal with it but 5 and 3????? Just too much to take.
I know time heals wounds...I know this because I have been here before. Been right here. Except last time..it was okay to drown in my own grief. I was 18 and it was only me. I could curl up in a ball on my bed for hours and cry and scream and curse God. I could smoke cigarettes and drink beer and drown out the memories. I could pretend like it didn't really happen. I could go back to my life in Tallahassee and not have to see the grief on my moms face everyday. And slowly...things got easier. And one day..I looked up and it had been nearly 15 years. 15 years. And it wasn't too terribly hard to think about Craig anymore. Looking at his old poems and notebooks and pictures didn't make me cry anymore. I could talk about him with my mom and dad and hardly ever shed a tear. Him being gone had become "the norm". Life went on. And I know....that life will go on without Dave. But..it makes me so incredibly sad to think that 15 years from now...Jackson and Aubrey may not even remember Dave. That life without him will be "the norm".
I heard a song on the radio the other day called "Save a Place" I think it was Matthew West but don't quote me on that:) The words said something like.... Save a place for me...I'll be there soon. It just hit home with me. Soon. Our time here on this earth is so unbelievably short compared with eternity. Just an instant in time. 'Soon' could literally mean tomorrow. Or next week. Or 50 years from now. I may not know why God chose Craig and Dave but I do know that it would be an absolute tragedy for me to waste this teeny, tiny sliver of time that I have been given here on earth. If their deaths have taught me anything..It's that we are never promised tomorrow. So...I intend to TRY and live each day with that in mind. Can't say that I will always succeed...but I will TRY. For the sake of my brothers.

Snowed in!

So another 7-8 inches of snow fell yesterday........ These pics were taken on Sunday BEFORE the snow..So the 7-8 inches fell on top of this.



So unbelievably ready for Spring....and yes...that deer is doing exactly what you think it is..... Jackson asked if it was a kangaroo. Nope...just a deer poopin...

So since we were stuck in the house all day...We did this....






Poor Handy Manny......We made a mess playing chef with rice, noodles and oatmeal...But it kept them busy for an entire hour!!

And Joshua did THIS!(sorry for the messy house and the craptastic pics.. I just grabbed my camera and started snapping away when I saw this!)




We have FORWARD MOTION!..okay...Kind of....
My sweet little baby is getting sooo big!!! I wish he could just stay this age forever....

MMMMMMM...Yummy prunes.....

Hope everyone has a fantatic day! Stay warm!

Holy Blogger! Two posts in one day!

So apparently I really have alot to say today...That, or I just have no life. It's 10:30 and everyone is asleep..FINALLY. Joshua is still so sick and it took over an hour to get him to sleep tonight. Poor little man. The big kids crashed around 9 since neither one had naps today and they played hardcore out in the snow this afternoon.



I love the last one...Can you guess what she's saying?? "I'M COOOOLD!!!!"
Speaking of snow...huge snowstorm #2 is supposed to hit tonight. Over it. At least I dont have to drive in it though. February is without a doubt my least favorite month of the year. It truly is just a worthless month. What does February really have to offer.....other than V-Day...which we already talked about in my last post...I'm not impressed. Let's just move right on into March..ya with me? I NEED sunshine. I NEED to be out of this house and enjoying life. There is nothing I hate more than being stuck inside. It's just hard with little man to go out in this weather....but soon enough. I LOVE Spring..love the way it makes me feel all motivated. Love how everything feels fresh and new...That sounded so cheesy but I really mean it. I'm especially excited this year since Chris and I are going away to Gatlinburg for the weekend in May. It will be the first time in 3 years that we get to go away just the two of us. I know, I know...Gatlinburg:( But it's only 4 hours away and its affordable. So, Gatlinburg it is. I love that Chris was the one to suggest we go there...His reason? He said it would be a great place for me to take some great pictures. Awwwww. Is it possible for this man to be anymore supportive? I mean seriously? He stuck with my crazy butt all through nursing school and has dealt with my constant griping about nursing and how much I just want out for the last 8 years!!!! Not only does he support my photography...He encourages me to pursue it. Anyway...got a little off topic there.....Gatlinburg. The last time we went to Gatlinburg was when I was pregnant with Aubrey. Jackson was almost 2 years old and we stopped for a couple of nights in Gatlinburg before going on to Hilton Head for the week. Let me just say....2 year old+100 degree weather+6 months preggo+Gatlinburg=not.fun. I made a mental note after that trip to never again book a room based on the pics that they show on the internet. I thought we got a great deal on this awesome, rustic-y lodge type hotel. There was a pool, a cozy little restaurant, a path right to the Parkway and a view of a mountain stream. Ummmmmmm.......What we actually got was, a run-down, dilapitated, 1970's style hotel. The restaurant was actually a couple of tables set up across from the front desk. The pool was closed for repairs and the *path* that they promised to the Parkway? THAT was actually a walk through a dark parking garage, (where we had to jump a waist high concrete wall with a stroller). Good times. Did I mention that I fell on my a** while hopping said concrete wall? Yep, fell. Pregnant. Don't even get me started on what the actual room looked like. I just shuddered. Can you tell I'm slightly bitter about the Mountain Heritage Inn? Slightly. We attempted to get another room but there was some sort of conference that weekend and there wasn't a single room left anywhere in town. So THIS time..........I am going to need some help picking a place to stay. I don't think we are going to go the chalet route. Chalets are fun when you are going with other people but I think for just Chris and I...we would rather just stay right in town...Neither one of us are very *rustic*. Just point me to the outlet malls and the closest pancake house and I'm good. All of that being said....I really do LOVE Gatlinburg and I have so many memories of going there as a kid. My mom has tons of old pictures of Craig and I on the ski lift and on the alpine slide. We always stayed at the Ramada Inn smack dab in the middle of town because they had an indoor pool. I remember eating lunch at the little BBQ place that sat back by Hillbilly golf and then watching at the window of the candy shop as they made HUGE rolls of taffy. I remember Craig and I would always go to Fannie Farkles arcade and play video games for hours! Wow...what I wouldn't give to be able to relive just one day of one of those trips. Hell..one hour. Alright..so now that I have sufficiently made myself cry, I must head to bed. 7am comes awfully early. G'night all. Sleep tight.