*Warning* I am having a pity party!

Okay this could be become addicting!! I think maybe I like the sound of my own thoughts WAAAY to much! So another uneventful snow-filled day at the Castle house. The kids and I built a fort, played in the snow and had a MAJOR tickle fight which included a busted lip before the fun was all said and done. Good time had by all. It's amazing how LOOOONGGG the days seem when we are all stuck in the house but how QUICKLY the hours fly by once the kids are in bed!! :) Can't believe it is after 10 already....but I will be up until at least midnight enjoying the silence!
Although, the downside to that is when I don't have any distractions..my mind starts to dwell on things...Usually Dave. He is on my mind more and more over the past few weeks. I think mostly because the one year mark is coming up in couple of months. I remember every single detail of that day as if it happened yesterday...and in a few months it will be one year. One year! I still cry at least once a week. I still replay our last phone conversation over in my head. I still look at his facebook page from time to time. I still find it way too hard to go into his room. I still cant talk about him without tearing up. I still ache for my mom and dad. My kids. My sister. Katelyn. We have all lost so much. I always tell myself that I shouldn't question God. That HE knows best. But I'm human. I do question God. God knows that my heart needs answers. Why? Why? Again???? Wasn't Craig enough? Wasn't breast cancer enough? Are we being tested? I hope not..because if so, I am failing miserably. I so desperately want to be strong and full of faith. I am constantly amazed at these people that go through horrible tragedies and lose their entire families..yet come out on the other side with these amazing testimonies of faith and hope. I'm so not there. I know that things could be so much worse...I have 3 beautiful, healthy, amazing babies to be thankful for. I have my best friend and soulmate by my side. I have a sister, brother-in-law and niece that I love more than words. I have parents that would move heaven and earth for me. I have amazing friends, passions, dreams. I am sooo grateful for these blessings. But I still want to know why.
I overheard Jackson and Aubrey playing this morning and it absolutely broke.my.heart. They had all of their stuffed animals and dolls out and they were pretending that the animals were dying and "going up to heaven". An animal/doll would "die" and then they would make it fly through the air until it got to heaven and when it got there...All of the other angel animals would greet the newest arrival and show them around "heaven". (Which was actually the laundry room:) I hate that my 5 year old and 3 year old have to know what death is. I know that sooner or later in life they would have to deal with it but 5 and 3????? Just too much to take.
I know time heals wounds...I know this because I have been here before. Been right here. Except last time..it was okay to drown in my own grief. I was 18 and it was only me. I could curl up in a ball on my bed for hours and cry and scream and curse God. I could smoke cigarettes and drink beer and drown out the memories. I could pretend like it didn't really happen. I could go back to my life in Tallahassee and not have to see the grief on my moms face everyday. And slowly...things got easier. And one day..I looked up and it had been nearly 15 years. 15 years. And it wasn't too terribly hard to think about Craig anymore. Looking at his old poems and notebooks and pictures didn't make me cry anymore. I could talk about him with my mom and dad and hardly ever shed a tear. Him being gone had become "the norm". Life went on. And I know....that life will go on without Dave. But..it makes me so incredibly sad to think that 15 years from now...Jackson and Aubrey may not even remember Dave. That life without him will be "the norm".
I heard a song on the radio the other day called "Save a Place" I think it was Matthew West but don't quote me on that:) The words said something like.... Save a place for me...I'll be there soon. It just hit home with me. Soon. Our time here on this earth is so unbelievably short compared with eternity. Just an instant in time. 'Soon' could literally mean tomorrow. Or next week. Or 50 years from now. I may not know why God chose Craig and Dave but I do know that it would be an absolute tragedy for me to waste this teeny, tiny sliver of time that I have been given here on earth. If their deaths have taught me anything..It's that we are never promised tomorrow. So...I intend to TRY and live each day with that in mind. Can't say that I will always succeed...but I will TRY. For the sake of my brothers.

Snowed in!

So another 7-8 inches of snow fell yesterday........ These pics were taken on Sunday BEFORE the snow..So the 7-8 inches fell on top of this.



So unbelievably ready for Spring....and yes...that deer is doing exactly what you think it is..... Jackson asked if it was a kangaroo. Nope...just a deer poopin...

So since we were stuck in the house all day...We did this....






Poor Handy Manny......We made a mess playing chef with rice, noodles and oatmeal...But it kept them busy for an entire hour!!

And Joshua did THIS!(sorry for the messy house and the craptastic pics.. I just grabbed my camera and started snapping away when I saw this!)




We have FORWARD MOTION!..okay...Kind of....
My sweet little baby is getting sooo big!!! I wish he could just stay this age forever....

MMMMMMM...Yummy prunes.....

Hope everyone has a fantatic day! Stay warm!

Holy Blogger! Two posts in one day!

So apparently I really have alot to say today...That, or I just have no life. It's 10:30 and everyone is asleep..FINALLY. Joshua is still so sick and it took over an hour to get him to sleep tonight. Poor little man. The big kids crashed around 9 since neither one had naps today and they played hardcore out in the snow this afternoon.



I love the last one...Can you guess what she's saying?? "I'M COOOOLD!!!!"
Speaking of snow...huge snowstorm #2 is supposed to hit tonight. Over it. At least I dont have to drive in it though. February is without a doubt my least favorite month of the year. It truly is just a worthless month. What does February really have to offer.....other than V-Day...which we already talked about in my last post...I'm not impressed. Let's just move right on into March..ya with me? I NEED sunshine. I NEED to be out of this house and enjoying life. There is nothing I hate more than being stuck inside. It's just hard with little man to go out in this weather....but soon enough. I LOVE Spring..love the way it makes me feel all motivated. Love how everything feels fresh and new...That sounded so cheesy but I really mean it. I'm especially excited this year since Chris and I are going away to Gatlinburg for the weekend in May. It will be the first time in 3 years that we get to go away just the two of us. I know, I know...Gatlinburg:( But it's only 4 hours away and its affordable. So, Gatlinburg it is. I love that Chris was the one to suggest we go there...His reason? He said it would be a great place for me to take some great pictures. Awwwww. Is it possible for this man to be anymore supportive? I mean seriously? He stuck with my crazy butt all through nursing school and has dealt with my constant griping about nursing and how much I just want out for the last 8 years!!!! Not only does he support my photography...He encourages me to pursue it. Anyway...got a little off topic there.....Gatlinburg. The last time we went to Gatlinburg was when I was pregnant with Aubrey. Jackson was almost 2 years old and we stopped for a couple of nights in Gatlinburg before going on to Hilton Head for the week. Let me just say....2 year old+100 degree weather+6 months preggo+Gatlinburg=not.fun. I made a mental note after that trip to never again book a room based on the pics that they show on the internet. I thought we got a great deal on this awesome, rustic-y lodge type hotel. There was a pool, a cozy little restaurant, a path right to the Parkway and a view of a mountain stream. Ummmmmmm.......What we actually got was, a run-down, dilapitated, 1970's style hotel. The restaurant was actually a couple of tables set up across from the front desk. The pool was closed for repairs and the *path* that they promised to the Parkway? THAT was actually a walk through a dark parking garage, (where we had to jump a waist high concrete wall with a stroller). Good times. Did I mention that I fell on my a** while hopping said concrete wall? Yep, fell. Pregnant. Don't even get me started on what the actual room looked like. I just shuddered. Can you tell I'm slightly bitter about the Mountain Heritage Inn? Slightly. We attempted to get another room but there was some sort of conference that weekend and there wasn't a single room left anywhere in town. So THIS time..........I am going to need some help picking a place to stay. I don't think we are going to go the chalet route. Chalets are fun when you are going with other people but I think for just Chris and I...we would rather just stay right in town...Neither one of us are very *rustic*. Just point me to the outlet malls and the closest pancake house and I'm good. All of that being said....I really do LOVE Gatlinburg and I have so many memories of going there as a kid. My mom has tons of old pictures of Craig and I on the ski lift and on the alpine slide. We always stayed at the Ramada Inn smack dab in the middle of town because they had an indoor pool. I remember eating lunch at the little BBQ place that sat back by Hillbilly golf and then watching at the window of the candy shop as they made HUGE rolls of taffy. I remember Craig and I would always go to Fannie Farkles arcade and play video games for hours! Wow...what I wouldn't give to be able to relive just one day of one of those trips. Hell..one hour. Alright..so now that I have sufficiently made myself cry, I must head to bed. 7am comes awfully early. G'night all. Sleep tight.

Happy Valentines Day! And other random stuff.....

Biggest Valentines Day Pet Peeve: People who say "ValenTIMES day. Grrrrr..There is no 'M' in Valentines!!!!! Okay...Just had to get that out. If you say this around me..I will publically call you out. K? Thanks.

Wow! Post # 2! Are you surprised? I'm committing myself to one post a week for the next year. At the minimum. Yeah, we'll see how that works out. So, it's Valentines Day. Yeah, I'm not that excited either. Don't get me wrong, I love my hubby. Alot. I've just never been the romantic type. Ever. I know some people think it's weird but Chris and I rarely exchange gifts for things like V-Day, Sweetest Day etc. We just never have and we're both OK with it. The only Sweetest Day card I ever remember getting from Chris was the first year we were dating. I went over to his apartment to go out that night and he had stopped at the Dollar Store to get my card. Only they didn't have any Sweetest Day cards left so he got me a card that said "Happy Birthday Sis!" Nice. I still have that card in my cedar chest...Loved it. But, for all of you folks that DO celebrate Valentines Day with cards, candy, flowers etc...Hope you are having a day filled with chocolate, hearts and love:)

It's not very often that I have a Sunday off but I took today off to spend with the family. Chris spent much of last week plowing and salting during the "blizzard" so we literally saw each other in passing a few times and that was it. I got up and took the big kids to church the morning while Chris stayed home with little man. He is still battling croup(for the 2nd time in a month!!!) So Daddy and Joshua got some bonding time in this morning and the kids got to go to Sunday school..while Mommy had an hour in church by myself:) Have to say..It was pretty nice. This is the second Sunday that I have gone to the church up the road from us. Jackson goes to preschool there so I know a few of the people. This has been such a hard transition for me. We have been going to New Life Chapel in West Chester since they opened their doors and I love love love it there...But I have to be realistic. It is almost a 45 minute drive for us to West Chester. And after getting myself and 3 kids fed, bathed, dressed and in the car....a 45 minute drive locked in the car with 3 screaming kids just seems unbearable. Just sayin...SO I'm not sure where God will lead us.
Do I feel the same way at this new church that I did at our old one? No. Am I comparing it to New Life? Yes. Will it ever compare? I don't know. But I feel like for the sake of my kids, I need to give it a shot. I want them to have friends that live near us, that they go to school and church with. In order for that to happen..I need to start actually "living" out here in Indiana. I've been resisting for 5 years. I have been telling myself for 5 long years that this is just a temporary move and that *eventually* we will move back to Bridgetown or better yet to Glendale to be closer to mom. I have never really *lived* here. 5 years and I still dont have pictures on the walls. It took 3 years for me to even bother painting the walls. It has never felt like home to me..until this past fall. I made the decision to switch Jacksons preschool so that he would be closer to home this year. I had been making the 25 minute drive to Western Hills for 2 years just so he could go to school with all of his old friends. Seriously? He was 2-3 years old and I was worried about him having to make new friends!! So he started preschool out here this year and WOW...changed my view of things entirely. Number one:Love love love his school...his teachers, the directors, the other moms...all of it. Love it. Number 2: Through his school..I also found out about a great Moms group(MOPS) that meets at the church(yes, the new church that I have been going to!) Through this group I have met some amazing, postive, supportive women. I soo look forward to my MOPS Fridays!!! It gives me a chance to be with other moms that are going through the same types of daily ups and downs, struggles, joys, etc that I am. So..if you are reading this MOPS girls..Thank you...You have given me a hope for our future here in Indiana that I was lacking before. I have started living in the here and now instead of in the future. I have decided there is no better time than the present to start LIVING for the present. I would always say, "Things will be better when we move..or when we are finally able to be closer to Maw...or...we will be happy when our kids can go to this school..or when we can go back to this church".....I made a conscious decision this past year to stop living my life that way.I am living for now. Period. That is all we are promised. Today. Not tomorrow. Not the next day. Not 10 years from now. Today. God has big plans for us and I am trusting that we are exactly where HE feels we should be. I am no longer on my timeline...but rather, on His. Who knows what amazing things He has in store for this family. I think thats a good place to stop rambling. The kids are BEGGING to go play in the snow so...I'm off:) ENjoy the rest of Valentin(m)es Day!
Sheila

And so it begins.....

You asked for it, so you got it....Everyone I know says that I talk too much anyway. So what better way to get out everything that I have to say than in a blog. I have a feeling that the novel I had planned on writing is never going to get started anyway. So c'mon in, grab a drink and stay awhile. This is your invitation to stalk me...C'mon you know you want to. Okay..not really.Dont get creepy on me. I'm hoping this blog will be a better way for friends and family to keep in touch and follow what is going on in our lives. We all know I am not the best at phone calls... so here is my solution! Everything you need to know will be right here....Pics of the kids, updates, daily craziness, my latest dreams, schemes and everything in between. Lately I keep hearing this little motto in my head..over and over again. "Leave a legacy, leave a legacy." Don't know exactly where it came from but, WOW! It definitely describes what I've been feeling lately. The need to leave something behind long after Im gone. That is where the photography comes in...and to an extent..that's where this blog comes in. Now, do I think this blog will still be kicking years from now..yeah probably not..but it allows me to get my thoughts down *somewhere* other than just in my head. And if 100 years from now someone comes across this blogand says..Dang, what a cool chic...then, even better. ALong the way, you'll have to excuse my lack of punctuation skills. I can speak gramatically correct but apparently I never really bothered to learn exactly where a comma goes so instead, I just do this........alot. Deal with it.
Okay all that being said...I hope you come back and visit often...I NEED to do this for me. To wrap my head around everything going on in my life right now. What an added bonus to have you come along for the ride....