*Warning* I am having a pity party!

Okay this could be become addicting!! I think maybe I like the sound of my own thoughts WAAAY to much! So another uneventful snow-filled day at the Castle house. The kids and I built a fort, played in the snow and had a MAJOR tickle fight which included a busted lip before the fun was all said and done. Good time had by all. It's amazing how LOOOONGGG the days seem when we are all stuck in the house but how QUICKLY the hours fly by once the kids are in bed!! :) Can't believe it is after 10 already....but I will be up until at least midnight enjoying the silence!
Although, the downside to that is when I don't have any distractions..my mind starts to dwell on things...Usually Dave. He is on my mind more and more over the past few weeks. I think mostly because the one year mark is coming up in couple of months. I remember every single detail of that day as if it happened yesterday...and in a few months it will be one year. One year! I still cry at least once a week. I still replay our last phone conversation over in my head. I still look at his facebook page from time to time. I still find it way too hard to go into his room. I still cant talk about him without tearing up. I still ache for my mom and dad. My kids. My sister. Katelyn. We have all lost so much. I always tell myself that I shouldn't question God. That HE knows best. But I'm human. I do question God. God knows that my heart needs answers. Why? Why? Again???? Wasn't Craig enough? Wasn't breast cancer enough? Are we being tested? I hope not..because if so, I am failing miserably. I so desperately want to be strong and full of faith. I am constantly amazed at these people that go through horrible tragedies and lose their entire families..yet come out on the other side with these amazing testimonies of faith and hope. I'm so not there. I know that things could be so much worse...I have 3 beautiful, healthy, amazing babies to be thankful for. I have my best friend and soulmate by my side. I have a sister, brother-in-law and niece that I love more than words. I have parents that would move heaven and earth for me. I have amazing friends, passions, dreams. I am sooo grateful for these blessings. But I still want to know why.
I overheard Jackson and Aubrey playing this morning and it absolutely broke.my.heart. They had all of their stuffed animals and dolls out and they were pretending that the animals were dying and "going up to heaven". An animal/doll would "die" and then they would make it fly through the air until it got to heaven and when it got there...All of the other angel animals would greet the newest arrival and show them around "heaven". (Which was actually the laundry room:) I hate that my 5 year old and 3 year old have to know what death is. I know that sooner or later in life they would have to deal with it but 5 and 3????? Just too much to take.
I know time heals wounds...I know this because I have been here before. Been right here. Except last time..it was okay to drown in my own grief. I was 18 and it was only me. I could curl up in a ball on my bed for hours and cry and scream and curse God. I could smoke cigarettes and drink beer and drown out the memories. I could pretend like it didn't really happen. I could go back to my life in Tallahassee and not have to see the grief on my moms face everyday. And slowly...things got easier. And one day..I looked up and it had been nearly 15 years. 15 years. And it wasn't too terribly hard to think about Craig anymore. Looking at his old poems and notebooks and pictures didn't make me cry anymore. I could talk about him with my mom and dad and hardly ever shed a tear. Him being gone had become "the norm". Life went on. And I know....that life will go on without Dave. But..it makes me so incredibly sad to think that 15 years from now...Jackson and Aubrey may not even remember Dave. That life without him will be "the norm".
I heard a song on the radio the other day called "Save a Place" I think it was Matthew West but don't quote me on that:) The words said something like.... Save a place for me...I'll be there soon. It just hit home with me. Soon. Our time here on this earth is so unbelievably short compared with eternity. Just an instant in time. 'Soon' could literally mean tomorrow. Or next week. Or 50 years from now. I may not know why God chose Craig and Dave but I do know that it would be an absolute tragedy for me to waste this teeny, tiny sliver of time that I have been given here on earth. If their deaths have taught me anything..It's that we are never promised tomorrow. So...I intend to TRY and live each day with that in mind. Can't say that I will always succeed...but I will TRY. For the sake of my brothers.