So another day....another long, feeling sorry for myself day. I was really excited about this blog when I first started it....Is it bad that now it almost feels like an obligation? To whom, I'm not sure. Myself? Probably. I hate not following through on a commitment. Even if it is just one that I've made to myself..When I first started this blog last month, I wrestled with whether or not I would even tell anyone about it. I was perfectly content with just typing out my feelings and breathing a huge sigh of relief when it was all out of me......In black and white. I could literally take a huge breath after writing and feel.....Cleansed? Relieved? Un-burdened? Self-indulgent? Whatever. I felt. And thats all the mattered. And then it took a few weeks of me typing these huge posts and then deleting them..to realize that was SUCH a time waster. Why not put it all out there? Why not say, "Hey, heres what the heck I am dealing with and going through...HELP! or feel sorry for me, or hurt with me, or laugh with me, or encourage me or tell me to shut the heck up, I dont care!" Just listen. So that I dont feel like I am standing in the middle of the room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even notices. Self indulgent? Yep. My blog? Yep. So, therefore entitled to self indulgence.
So I know I bragged about the new camera last week and I WILL post pics soon!!!!! For some reason the past week has been unbelievably busy and although I have had time to take tons of pics(thanks to the yummy Springtime weather), I have yet to find time to edit any of them. That is definitely on my to-do list for the week. We moved the computer up to the bedroom this weekend so that I would be able to edit more at night once the kiddos are in bed. Hopefully I will get more done this way:) I am beyond excited with the new camera and I am learning soooooooo much every day. Who knew that a simple hobby could make one feel so unbelievably hopeful and alive. Seriously. I know that sounds so cliche and cheesy. But WOW....not sure what state of mind I would be in without my photgraphy. It really does give me hope for the future. I know, Iknow, I should just be thankful to have a job..blah blah blah. And for the most part, I am. But it's no secret that I don't want to be a nurse. Not even a little bit. Wish I could say that I love what I do...Love making a difference...saving lives...etc.etc. Can't say that. Maybe that makes me a bad person? Maybe that just makes me honest. I DO care about the children that I take care of. I DO hurt for them and also for their parents. I truly do...but if you want honesty, I could walk away tomorrow and be okay with it. Horrible, I know. I think I've become somewhat numb in the past few years. Numb to the tragedy, disease, sadness that I see in the hospital. If I allowed myself to hurt for every single family, every single patient, I'm not sure I could get out of bed every morning. I don't think I could function if I dwelled on the situations that I see at work. I do believe that God has a plan for me. I DO hope its not nursing..... I do think that maybe this is just a stop on the journey for me.....EVERY single time I work...I see families dealing with horribly, unfair situations. Maybe thats God's way of saying...'Ya know what, You don't have it so bad.' I saw a family a few weeks ago that I instantly fell in love with. Without giving out too many details of their situation...They moved to Cincy recently to be closer to CCHMC so that they could get more consistent care for their THREE children...All diagnosed with a chronic, genetic disease. All terminal. All under the age of 12. All will die from their disease. Unfathomable. But yet....This family showed unbelievable grace and tremendous faith. Again...Not there yet. Can't wait for the day when I can actually say....I am okay with this. Okay with my life, content with where God has placed me at the moment, unwavering in my faith, strong in the knowledge that all things work together for those that love God. One day. Not there yet...... But one day.
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Sheila, you are such a positive influence on me with your writing and I hope it won't become drudgery and lead you to stop. You are teaching me things I've never had the strength to do. You embrace and endure pain when it comes your way, then you write from your heart your feelings and, then you release the pain. You literally take a deep breath when you;'re finished and release today's pain. I really admire your strength and will learn from you. Thanks and I hope you'll keep writing. Love, Dad
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